What Shame Means
5 minute read
Shame (n.) A painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behaviour. From Old English scamu, meaning “disgrace, dishonour,” and the Proto-Germanic skamo, which relates to the idea of hiding or covering oneself.
Famously felt by: Jean Valjean in Les Misérables by Nathaniel Hawthorne: “His heart swelled with shame as he realised that no matter how many good deeds he performed, he could never erase the stain of his past.”
Famously not felt by: Alex DeLarge in A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess: “It’s funny how the colours of the real world only seem really real when you viddy them on the screen.”
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Shame is something we often strive to avoid, yet it’s deeply woven into the fabric of human experience. It’s a feeling that can creep in during the quiet moments of reflection or hit suddenly when our faults are exposed, leaving us vulnerable and eager to hide. Despite its discomfort, shame has played a significant role throughout history and literature, shaping behaviours and moral codes.
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To really understand shame, we need to dig into its origins, which are all about feelings of disgrace and dishonour. The Old English word scamu and its relatives in other Germanic languages show a deep-seated fear of being shunned – a sort of instinct to cover up when we feel we’ve fallen short of what society expects. It’s not just about what we’ve done but also how we imagine others see us and our own sense of self.
Shame is a social emotion, meaning it’s generated when we perceive or experience ourselves in relation to others, our families, friends, peers, communities, or even countries. In its earliest uses, shame was tied to notions of honour and its power to influence others. Aristotle thought of it as fundamental to ethical behaviour; Confucius saw it as essential to social order. In medieval societies, a person’s honour was their most valuable asset, and to lose it was to lose one’s place in the community.
“Shame is a feeling that can creep in during the quiet moments of reflection or hit suddenly when our faults are exposed, leaving us vulnerable and eager to hide.”
However, shame is not just a relic of the past. It continues to influence our actions and self-perception in the modern world. We might no longer be driven by the same strict codes of honour as our ancestors, but the underlying fear of social rejection remains. The feeling of shame can prompt us to correct our behaviour, seek forgiveness, and strive to be better. Yet, it can also be crippling, leading to isolation and a sense of unworthiness.
But when left internalised, shame can become toxic, leading to a deep sense of not belonging and inadequacy that hinders personal growth and damages relationships. This darker side of shame is often depicted in literature, where characters are consumed by their own perceived flaws, unable to move past their mistakes.
In Les Misérables, Jean Valjean’s profound shame fuels his journey of redemption, transforming him into a stronger, more compassionate person. In contrast, Alex DeLarge’s lack of shame in A Clockwork Orange highlights his detachment from societal norms and his inability to feel empathy, painting a picture of a character devoid of moral conscience.
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So, what is shame’s place in our lives? In an age of social media and public scrutiny, every misstep can be broadcast to the world, making the fear of judgment more acute. Yet, this also offers an opportunity to redefine how we deal with shame.
The dual nature of shame – its ability to both motivate and paralyse – makes it the prime subject for study. Sociologist Brené Brown has famously explored shame’s impact on our lives, suggesting that while it can be painful and confronting – understanding our shame is essential for building resilience and connections with others. And how can we access the other side of shame? Brown states, “If you put shame in a petri dish, it needs three ingredients to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence, and judgment. If you put the same amount of shame in the petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can’t survive.”
“If you put shame in a petri dish, it needs three ingredients to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence, and judgment. If you put the same amount of shame in the petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can’t survive.”
Brené Brown
Confucian texts pushed for people to cultivate their own sense of shame by determining for yourself what you do and don’t feel shameful about. Superficial matters like status and wealth weren’t true measures of shame, instead, it was parts of the identity fundamentally tied to your values. For example, maybe you forget to call your parent on their birthday, the pang of shame you might feel is often rooted in the shared value of family connection. However, by embracing the feeling and acknowledging our imperfections, this shame can be transformed from a destructive force into a catalyst for growth and connection. The next time that memory of shame prompts you to make the birthday phone call, it brings you closer to your sense of self, strengthening your bonds and reaffirming your values.
It seems that shame is both a mirror and a magnifier. It reflects our deepest fears about ourselves and amplifies them in the harsh light of others’ perceptions. But it’s also a reminder of our truest values.
