Loneliness, we often assume, is a symptom of a person’s life gone amiss – a failure of circumstance, a result of emotional fragility or misfortune. But for lots of men, loneliness is not just an occasional affliction but a chronic state which feels beyond their ability to resolve.

In the UK up to eight million men feel lonely at least once a week, with nearly three million reporting feeling lonely every single day. Most strikingly, one in ten men doesn’t dare to admit feeling lonely, not even to themselves. The cultural and emotional price of this silence should be alarming to us – and yet, as a culture, we continue to allow it to go on largely unquestioned.

Of course women may struggle with loneliness and social isolation too, but men are uniquely susceptible to this debilitating feeling as they so often lack the communication skills to drive meaningful connections.

As someone who spends much of my time in the company of successful, but at times socially isolated, men – business executives, C-suite high flyers and entrepreneurs – I find the root of the problem is not always where you imagine. The loneliness these men feel is not simply a consequence of being literally alone, but of a deeper, more ingrained social contract of radical independence. Perhaps it’s my role as a coach or therapist which allows an often uniquely emotionally close connection as it sits safely under the banner of ‘professional’ support.

A pivotal moment for me in understanding the expectations which drive male loneliness was listening to a 12-year-old boy from the midwest of America on the Hidden Brain podcast in an episode about men and isolation. The boy said, “It might be nice to be a girl, then I wouldn’t have to be so emotionless.” Words which, in their powerful simplicity, reveal a distressing truth: boys are being socialised to suppress their feelings, and without a broad lexicon of emotions to share with their peers their hopes of making friends is limited. This emotional “straightjacket” is potentially dangerous too as it kicks in around puberty, just when adolescents are finding their way in an, at times, confusing world. 

Men are often woven into a fabric of social expectations that demand qualities like grit, autonomy, and self-reliance – admirable in moments of crisis or leadership, yet burdened with a heavy cost. These expectations can suppress more nurturing emotions, such as curiosity and empathy, which are essential for both self-growth and meaningful connections with others.

As sociologist Julie Philips of Rutgers University points out, boys start out with close friendships which are often full of affection and vulnerability, but as they mature, these friendships become increasingly guarded, emotionally restrained and ultimately less fulfilling. 

Too often, being “a man” is experienced as being alone.

The Hidden Cost of Loneliness for Men

Not surprisingly, perhaps, this emotional isolation takes a heavy toll. In the UK, men are three times more likely than women to take their lives and are twice as likely to die of drink-related diseases. Many men say they feel unable to open up, even to their closest friends, let alone a mental health professional such as myself.

This has an impact on men at work too, of course. Consider the male executive who feels he has no outlet for his vulnerability. The result can often be a detachment from others, a leadership style marked by a ‘do as I say’ top-down authoritarianism, rigidity, and a cold lack of empathy. Such leaders, isolated from their peers and colleagues often fail to seek feedback or collaborate easily. They risk making decisions in a vacuum, without the emotional intelligence and insight that comes from seeking the counsel of other opinions. In a fast-paced business world, these traits are not only difficult for the individual’s own mental wellbeing, but also to the organisations they lead. Without an emotional support network, the ability to inspire or innovate atrophies which is, of course, detrimental not only to the individual himself but also the success of the business he works in. It’s a lose-lose.

As American political scientist Robert Putnam outlined in his insightful book, Bowling Alone, the decline of social capital – the idea that relationships and networks are the key to human flourishing – has left a deep and problematic mark on many western countries. Men, especially at work, feel the consequences of this fragmentation. As we become more isolated, we lose our ability to empathise, to collaborate, and to build the kinds of relationships that help both us and our organisations to thrive.

The idea that a man’s value is tied to his emotional detachment, his cool independence, his refusal to show weakness – what we might call hyper-masculinity – is at the heart of the male loneliness epidemic.

I have worked with so many men, many of them successful leaders, who over time and once trust has been built with me feel able to admit to an existential loneliness even as they remain the figurehead of their teams and organisations.

Take Clive, a business executive who came to me after a painful relationship breakup. On the surface, Clive had it all – professional success, immaculate Savile Row suits and an enviable social standing. But beneath his polished exterior there was a man struggling with feelings of isolation. After his marriage ended, he was often alone on weekends,  nursing his unhappiness with bottles of whisky. Although he had friends of many years, pride prevented him from reaching out and admitting how alone he felt. He thought asking for support would make him appear weak – a word anathema to a man of his background and success.

Through our work together, Clive eventually found the courage to reconnect with one of his former close college friends, Steve. To his surprise, the conversation was not only cathartic but also transformative too. Clive got to learn Steve had also gone through a painful divorce, and their mutual vulnerability led to a deepening connection over time. Clive’s story is an example of how emotional openness can renew connections and ease the burden of feeling so alone. Researchers at Rutgers have shown that having supportive friendships can make life’s challenges much more manageable. And yet, for many men, the emotional barrier is so entrenched that reaching out feels almost impossible.

Business is increasingly about collaboration and emotional intelligence. The leaders who thrive are those who can open up, who can admit vulnerability, and who can invite others into the process of decision-making. The future of leadership is not about solitary individuals at the top but about teams who are empowered, connected, and capable of tackling complex challenges together.

Tools for Building Social Connection

How can men break free from the discomfort of isolation? It may seem like a Herculean task, but it’s easier than any man might think. In fact, it begins with a shift in perspective. First off, men should learn to see vulnerability not so much as a flaw but as a strength.

1. Embrace vulnerability

Rather than seeing emotional openness as weakness, men must come to understand it as the key to deeper connection. Anyone can open the door to being more vulnerable through therapy, support groups, and honest conversations with trusted friends. Vulnerability isn’t something to fear – it is, as I often tell my clients, “the best path to deeper connection.”

2. Prioritise Emotional Literacy

Emotional literacy – the ability to identify, understand, and express one’s emotions – is a skill that can be learned. Men should be encouraged to practice emotional check-ins, (keeping a journal can be a great tool of accessing feelings), to become aware of their emotional needs, and to express them in healthy ways. When being vulnerable is normalised, men will find themselves better equipped to foster deeper, more meaningful relationships.

3. Invest in Friendship

It’s a danger to overlook friendships in the busy pursuit of career and success. If male friendships are to thrive they must be treated with the same care and intention as a healthy marriage or a successful career. Social activities like sports, group hobbies, or volunteering can provide a natural and less intimidating way to meet like-minded people and deepen social bonds.

4. Seek Professional Help

Fortunately the shame in seeking professional help seems to be ebbing away. Therapy is not a sign of weakness but an investment in one’s emotional health. Psychotherapists provide a safe space to address the emotional barriers that prevent connection for men.

5. Be Mindful of Digital Connections

While digital communication is ubiquitous, it can never replace the intimacy of real life face-to-face moments. Men need to learn to recognise the difference between “likes” and real, emotional connection, and make time to nurture the latter.

David Waters is a psychotherapist, executive coach, and writer. His work has been featured in The New York Observer, Mr Porter, and a range of other publications exploring culture, psychology, and the human experience.